Intermediate Paper 1 : What We Seek in Life
Module 4 : FRIENDS & FRIENDSHIP (2)
3. Enemies in Disguise of a Friend
"Not to associate with the fools, associate with the wise,….. This is the highest blessings."
~Mangala Sutta~
(The Discourse on Blessings)
"The vicious are dear to him, in the virtuous he finds nothing pleasing, he favours the creeds of the vicious. … This is the cause of one's downfall."
~Parabhava Sutta~
(The Discourse on the Cause of Downfall)
In life it is important to identify who is our friend and who is not. How do we differentiate the bad from the good friends? Bad friends come in a very subtle way and one has to be strong to go against them.
The enemies in disguise of a friend is …
i. A Taker - he who associates for gain.
He appropriates your wealth and expects much return from his little contribution. He associates for his own good and does his duty only when in fear. He can devote his life just to gain what he can take from you.
ii. A Talker - he who renders lip service.
He entertains you with what that is already past and those that are yet to come. When there is an immediate need, he will express his inability. He also treats you with things that are worthless. He thunders a lot but he never rains.
iii. A Flatterer - he who flatters.
He consents you to do evil and discourages you from performing good deeds. He praises you in your presence and then speaks ill of you in your absence. He is good in sugarcoating.
iv. A Spender - he who brings ruins to your wealth
He is a companion when you …
· indulge in intoxication and liquors,
· saunter in streets at unseemly hour
· frequent theatrical shows,
· indulge in gambling.
An enemy in disguise of a friend requires special awareness and attention. They can be changed into a good and resourceful friend if we know how to awaken them and guide them to the right path.
Sometimes we can easily distinguish a good friend by the characteristics that they possess.
i. He is dearly loved and revered by many because of his cultured mind that are untainted by the madness of life such as greed, anger, etc.
ii. He not only speaks well but he listens well too. He is a good counsellor. His words are full of kindness, love, pleasant; … He is a patient listener as well.
iii. He is a speaker of deep and profound truth. He possesses the wisdom, knowledge and the right understanding in the teachings. He is helpful and willing to share his right view with you. He can spend his time; patience, etc. just to straighten your thoughts and clear your doubts.
iv. He is industrious and he would not apply himself to a useless end. He manages his time constructively not putting it into waste. He devotes himself in self-improvement and development. He meditates to gain calm and wisdom.
A helpful friend walks firmly on the path of Truth and he knows the meaning of "this is ill …"
4. The Seven Qualities of a Good Friend
In this world there are three types of sick men. There are those who are sick and if we do not attend to him (give him medicine), he can get well.
Then there are those when they are sick, if we do not give him his medicine he will surely die.
And the third type of sick man; if we were to give him his medicine, he will not be cured.
Now which type do you belong to? ~ A.III:22 ~
Can you survive without friends? Or you require them to live a happy life? And do you know how to take the opportunity from the good association you have to improve yourself and progress?
Friends and Friendship
Are you aware on how you grow your friendship? How did you treat them? Friends can be counted by the number while friendship is weighted by the qualities.
The most important quality that binds one's friendship is generosity. If you have little, then give little. If you have more then give more. If you have lots, then give much more.
Besides courteous speech, one has to promote their goodness, be fair and equal, and be truthful. Applying kindness and pleasantness into one word can further enhance the qualities of our friendship.
Who is your Friend?
A friend is not only to be found outside but also inside. And definitely you must be the first most important friend for yourself. Only with the joy overflowing from the goodness in us, are we able to share with others. Imagine if we were to make enemy with our own self; how can we then express our friendship to others?
How do you be a friend to yourself?
Avoid evil, do good and purify your mind.
We need not have to have many friends; one good one is enough. And you need not have to spend too much time together; just a beneficial one is more than enough.
Who is the best friend in the journey of life?
The Buddha's answers to the following questions:
What is a good friend to the wayfarer - a person who is finding the truth? An escort - a friend who guides and advice.
What is a good friend dwelling in the home? Of course our mother, who cares, loves and teaches us from our childhood.
What is a good friend where need has risen? A comrade's help is what we need when we are in difficulties.
What is a good friend in the life to come? All the worldly things we have will not accompany us into the after life. Therefore only our meritorious deeds will determine our next destination, be it the hells or the heavens.
The 7 Qualities of A Good Friend.
In summary we can conclude that a Good Friend:
1. Gives what is hard to give.
2. Does what is hard to do.
3. Bears what is hard to bear.
4. Confess (shares) your own secret.
5. Keeps others' secret.
6. When in need does not forsake one.
7. Despises not when one is in ruin.
~ A.VII:35 ~
Generosity does not only mean giving of material needs but also the service, time, patience, smile, etc and that covers the first three qualities of a good friend.
